zorander22 (zorander22) wrote,

Random Ranting in Eb

So, it's been quite awhile since my last entry... heh, "Father, it has been a long time since my last confession". It's very strange, that custom. If you believe in an omniscient omnipotent all loving God, God would already have forgiven your sins. I suppose it's just so people can get everything off their chest, so they can hear the words "You are forgiven". Is it a weakness in me, to try to shield others from pain I feel? Perhaps sometimes it's best to let it all out, to cleanse yourself... and who knows, maybe letting people know what hurts you will actually change their actions sometimes. I guess that's something I have to work on. That and knowing when not to say anything.

Let's start this off again. I had a great weekend in New York, the best weekend/time I can remember having in... well, a very long time. Since then I've had numerous ups and downs. As one Italian woman who works in the same warehouse I do says, "Life, it's not easy!"... except with more of a Italian accent than comes across online.

I had quite a bit I wanted to talk about in my next entry... Consciousness, souls, even Socrates! However, it seems that that will be postponed till my next entry, unfortunately I don't have the energy for it today. Since I haven't been able to talk to my day about anyone, you are now all my outlet, so sit back and enjoy the show. If you feel like leaving, there should be exits wherever you are, but please be mindful of the other views... and for goodness' sake, turn off your cell phone!

I got asked to stop talking today by John. He pulled me off my table for a second... I don't remember him ever telling me that before. At the same time, I was rather flattered. He said that even though I keep working while I talk, he's noticed that the people around me stop working and look at me. I'll be more careful, but still, it's nice to think that people actually listen once in awhile. I've been somewhat mocked and made fun of for my beliefs, but usually when I talk to people one on one it works out much better... it's easier to have a conversation with an individual than with a group.

Many thanks to sublunamsusurri for explaining to people that I'm not angry in a debate... that I just get worked up. I had some great conversations, I just have... strong feelings about some of those topics. That seems to have been mistaken as anger by people who don't know me very well. Even more thanks go to her for loaning me Firefly (and X-men 2, but I haven't gotten to it yet). Firefly is great so far... hilarious! I highly recommend it, it's a shame it was cancelled after it's first season!

On another note, I will be preaching the second Sunday of August. I'm really looking forward to it, I have some ideas of what I want to say. It is... a bit annoying that my mom keeps wanting me to talk to some of the other ministers for ideas and how to put it together. I'll talk to them to make sure I'm not speaking anything too out of line, but I want this to be my sermon, as selfish as that sounds. I know what I want to say, I know how I want to say it... I guess advice is always good, it just seems... frustrating. Throughout my younger grades, my mom would help me with presentations, and projects and all that... which I appreciate very much! But it seemed that I only did really well when I starting doing all of that on my own. Sometimes it seems like my parents try to interfere too hard, or help too much... and that it makes things worse. In some stuff I wish I'd had more help. I think both of my parents are great, but in their own ways they can be two of the most frustrating people I know.

I'm really very tired of hurting people and getting hurt at the moment. I know it is part of life... part of caring, but still I feel like I could use a little more happiness/peace and a little less pain right now. For someone who usually tries to help others, it seems like I end up hurting people far too often. There's a lesson there, I'm sure... but wanting to help is part of who I am, I don't think that's something I can change, or something I'd want to change. It just really gets to me when the people I try to help, who are very important to me... when they are the ones I hurt the most.

I suppose it is foolish of me to want happiness though. Happiness as a goal doesn't really make sense... I think it is the product of living a life worth having. So, there it is. All I need to do is live a life I think is worth having. Stop compromising, and say what I mean and be who I am instead of living as a shell part of the time.

Ok, I just had a conversation... I had to have. I apologize for all the complaining in this entry. I feel quite a bit better now.

I hope you're all having great summers, wherever you are and whatever you're doing. Goodnight!

Edit on June 27 2006: Please note that while sublunamsusurri has been a great influence in getting me to watch Firefly, it is actually my good friend Belinda who loaned it to me (and prodded me in to it as well)! My apologies (and thanks) go out to Belinda!! You rock! Now... get a livejournal :P
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